I did not go to a great school growing up.
Hours were long, teachers were strict, and the children were rough and uncivilized. Let’s just say that things like consent and body autonomy were not often discussed terms.
I was always tiny, as a kid we’d sometimes be assigned to line up according to different orders, for entertainment (like an icebreaker without the ice). Inevitably I was the shortest.
One thing I did have going for me, was excellent balance. I developed a reputation as someone who was very difficult to physically knock down, as I’d contort myself into all sort of shapes like some sort of kosher gumby.
Unfortunately, this reputation was seen as a personal challenge to many, and children would flock from far and wide (even adjacent grades) to see if they could best me in a challenge of “Can we knock Shalom over”.
Sometimes I’d indulge in these challenges, it was nice to be good at something, to be noticed. Other times I wasn’t interested. In this environment, not being interested didn’t matter much to the challenger, and they would initiate their grappling/wrestling technique of choice.
I soon developed a new strategy: as soon as they’d start, I’d lay on the ground. It would take all the fun out of it for them. I could see the disappointment on their face – who was this person to deprive them of the privilege of knocking them over?
Other times, they’d take me by surprise and knock me over. Delighted, they’d try to get me to stand up so they could try again. I would stay down, where it was safer.
Years later, in the military, I found myself comforted by sleeping directly on the concrete floor. There was a similar feeling of stability, nothing could give away if my sleeping bag was already on the ground.
The Ground: Safe But Passive
I find this metaphor useful for understanding my own self-sabotaging mechanisms: sometimes, instead of getting knocked over, my body decides it would rather just lay on the floor to begin with.
This is true of relationships – if I don’t make myself emotionally available, I won’t end up getting rejected.
It’s true about perfectionist procrastination – if I don’t do a thing at all, I won’t possibly do it badly. (I see you, ADHD people)
It’s true about self expression, weather creativity, or a new career or venture – if I don’t even start, no one will see me fail.
The truth is, the fear is real, and the origin is very valid. There were times in your life where you got knocked down, either literally, like in my case, or at least metaphorically. And your mind decided “I think I’d rather just stay here”.
Even innocuous things, that we find ourselves resistant to doing, often have a deeper source. Moving past this, to the person you want to be, involves a few steps:
- Understanding why your specific fear is – what is the metaphorical face-plant that you’re afraid of?
- Have compassion for yourself – once you realize what the fear is, the fact that you’ve been avoiding it at all costs starts to make a lot of sense. You’re not crazy.
- Realize you no longer are as vulnerable as you once were – many of our negative experiences occur to us when we are children, and quite powerless. We are highly impressionable, and learn from these experiences in order to stay safe. If you’re now an adult, and exploring personal growth, you have more resources and capabilities than you did as a child, and can begin to heal and move past those old patterns. Part of you is still a child, and always will be, but with the help of things like hypnotherapy and psychotherapy can help you bridge the connection between your inner child and your more capable adult self.
- Take small leaps – inevitably in your quest to learn new ways of being can be scary, you will fall as you learn to walk again. Doing so safely, at the speed that feels right to you, is key. With time you’ll expand your window of tolerance and be more comfortable with discomfort.
I find hypnosis to be very helpful with this last step – being in a relaxed state while processing your emotions helps you overcome fear. Bringing your imagination online in a powerful way, which hypnosis is so great for, allows you to envision challenging situations and experience them without having to actually be in the difficult situation (we do this gradually, based on your comfort level). Over time, you’ll learn new skills for self regulation, speaking to yourself with more compassion, and growing your comfort zone.
Often we don’t even realize that we are engaged in this strategy. I am constantly discovering new areas where my system has defaulted to lying on the floor. It’s often only when things get really bad, and the repercussions of inaction catch up with us, that we’re compelled to take steps to change it. If you feel like hypnosis assisted psychotherapy might be helpful to you, book a free into call and let’s chat.
