Selfishness gets a bad rap in society.
As a species that depends on community for survival, we have deep instincts for collaboration and altruism, and look down upon those who might seem to be too focused on themselves.
A byproduct of this, though, is someone living in fear of selfishness. Terrified at the thought of being selfish, they devote themselves to everything outside of themselves, family, causes, friends, and lose their own self in the process.
This is very common for trauma survivors, who often learn to prioritize the needs of others around them in order to survive. Living in a traumatic situation can erode your own sense of self, leaving you with a feeling that it’s all about what others want and what you care about doesn’t matter.
Strict religious upbringings also often lead to this phenomenon, where we are taught to negate our own needs and wants and devote ourselves to the whims of a higher power or spiritual leaders.
In addition to the loss of self that selflessness brings, it often has a dark side. There is often a lot of resentment, burnout, depression, and meaninglessness that can come hand-in-hand with devoting yourself entirely to the well-being of others.
It is impossible to sustain this way of being forever, and these darker parts often emerge – outbursts of anger, passive aggressiveness, physical sickness. All of these can be signs that you’ve lost yourself in the pursuit of selflessness.
And so, in the journey of healing, selfishness has an important place.
I encourage my clients to lean back in to what they need and want, and the process can be difficult. There can be an initial blankness. If you have spent years ignoring or negating that question, you could very well draw a blank when you pose it to yourself for the first time.
Nonetheless, it’s a valuable question to keep asking yourself, even if you don’t get an answer right away. The question itself is empowering.
There is often also a fear, fear that you will become that selfish person that you most fear. That you’ll leave all your obligations behind, neglect your friends and family, and become a narcissist.
To this I say two things:
First, the thing you fear won’t come true. Real narcissists, really selfish people, do not worry about being selfish. They think they are doing just great.
Second, the type of selfishness you’re seeking to avoid is characterized by its inherent presence. It’s the kind of behavior that someone starts showing as a child (all babies are inherently selfish) and never sheds, usually because of challenges in their emotional developmental processes.
We need to feel safe in order to start caring for those around us, and selfish people often never reach that emotional state or that developmental milestone.
To choose selfishness is something different. It means finding balance, moving away from your primal urge to neglect yourself and take care of others. It means making sure your cup is full, and letting the overflow be your gift to others.
Choosing selfishness is a continuous process, one that often comes with a lot of doubt, uncertainty, and reflection. And therefore, it is far more likely that you’ll find a better balance between taking care of yourself first, and then looking outwards to help and give to those around you (if you want. You get to decide).
If you resonate with this, if you’re looking to choose selfishness and prioritize your needs, get in touch. Hypnosis can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and transformation, as you uncover the hidden motivations around themes such as selfishness and selflessness.
